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What you read here are the ideas we are going to put forth on behalf of you the Students.
Replace the Board of Governors with the top heads in each of the most powerful Crime families. To do this we are planning a hostile gorilla combat take over. The board will be shot or stuffed which ever means is deemed the cheapest. With the Placement of the Top crime lords as the board this will allow us access to cash and good legal aid to move forward with our plans.
We will replace campus security with mafia thugs. Intimidation, Savage beatings and Crime will rise as a result of the changes, but we will know who is responsible and be able to turn a blind eye to it.
The pharmacy building will be torn down, and built in it's place a Best Western and Crisis Center for the sexually frustrated. This will create a solid and legal business venture. It also allows Engineers confront there problems and gives the 4th year Psychology students some practical hands on training.
Pharmacy students will be relocated to the local Shoppers drug
mart. We will work with Shoppers Drug Mart to accept Pharmacy Students
on a 4 week training course
to learn the following:
- How to ignore people
- Read Doctors writing
- transfer pills from a big bottle to a smaller one
The Manitoban will become a cheap knock off of a popular supermarket tabloid. To accomplish this goal we will have to do very little from what already is put out by this group.
- Just get a few comics that are amusing and have a point.
- Hire a few well trained Chimps to write it.
The Engineering Building well be torn down and in it's place will be a State of the art movie theater, food court, Bank, U of M book store. This complex with once was the Drake center, is hoped to be a good cash cow for us to milk when needed. There is nothing like it in the area so it is hoped that it will provide us with a good working capital.
Engineers will be relocated to the open lot across from Drake Center. The plans are simple we are going to let the Engineers design the building and we will foot the bill for the costs. In exchange for that we choose the location. The location we choose is the open lot across the river from Drake Center. The reasoning is there is tons of open space and enough room for a new parking lot. The final Catch is they have to design and build there own means across the river. We will supply them with a crate of modeling glue and a ton of toothpicks .
Changes will be made to Robson Hall. We are going
to demolish the current building and construct a mammoth structure in it's
place. The structure will be located six feet under ground and could be
accessed from the surface. The Surface entrance will be a small building.
Inside will be a man dressed in black asking if you want to sell your soul.
Those who say Yes gain entrance. Those who say no are sent away and told
to join Management.
U.M.S.U. Will be leaving C.A.S.A. We will take
the money and use it to create a Shiloh of old Russian Nuclear Weapons.
Through this new program it will "allow me to hold the world ransom for
1 million dollars."
U.M.S.U will be funding some important research projects.
- We will be putting beer in the Engineering water fountains to prove
that beer helps ugly people have sex since 1832
- We are going to find out how they get the caramilk inside the caramilk
bar. We are employing 3 Engineers and a keg of beer.
- Replaced the water in the Agriculture building with Alcohol to prove
that even a drunken person can get an agriculture degree.
Macs will be given to the Salvation Army and replaced with P.C.'s. This is done through our partnership with the militant wing of the salvation army they take the Macs and sell them off for parts and we invest in new P.C.'s.
Information Center will be replaced with a 60's Diner.
It is felt that the information center at it's present location is not
being used to its advantage, so we felt that with the trend to go "retro"
we would renovated the building and turn it into a 60's diner like
seen on shows like "The Happy Days"
The bookstore and C.I.B.C will each be replaced by a house for
ill repute. With the creation of the new Student shopping center.
The Book Store will move into there to keep up with the student traffic
that flows through that area. The C.I.B.C. has been vacant since the branch
closed up and with the installment of a new bank in the new center the
open space is an eye sore. So we are creating the spaces into houses of
ill repute.
The male one will be located in the old bank and the one for the ladies
in the book store.
The food services in the buildings run by Armark will be replaced with re heated hospital food. This is a cost cutting measure to prove that we are financially responsible. The food will be funny looking, stale, cold, taste bad. So the resident students will not any change from there normal service.
Increase the speed limit on Chancellor Matheson and use it as a drag strip. It is a quick way to make a few bucks and also help the local law Enforcement get a few easy tickets.
Smuggle arms and Drugs across the Mexican Border.
We cannot comment Further due to the legal implications.
The Human Ecology Building will be Imploded and on it's lot will
be replaced with a Mc Donald's. The building is run down and needs
a lot of repairs and imploding the it is cheapest option. We have made
plans to relocate the Human Ecology students. As for the Mc Donald's
are staffing it with Grad students from the faculty of Arts. We want to
make sure they put there degrees to good use.
All human Ecology Students will be given placements in the following
places:
Clothing and textiles: Will work at Le Chateau
Nutrition Students: will work at: Foody Goody
Family Studies: Will work with the School of Arts students
in the Day care.
The School of Art is being replaced by a new Betty Ford Clinic.
The art world will not be same the day after the doors open.
Students of the school of art will placed in the University day
care. Here they will be able to home there talents and explore
there minds to express what they feel on canvas
We are adding Velcro Walls in the faculty lounges. Too
many profs wandered off. This makes sure that we can find them. We were
considering implants but this is cheaper.
Wallace is being sold to Nintendo for it's next Mario Bros. Game. It looks like a rejected level. All We can figure out is that there was a paint sale or the guy was smoking something when they painted that place
Management faculty will become a out program. We are offering
one of 4 placements.
1. Used Car Sale Man
2. Fashion Consultant
3. Door to Door Insurance Sale man
4. T.V. Evangelist
A tunnel is going to be constructed to link The two Campuses. We are also going to offer rickshaw rides between the two places. Our Drivers are Grads from the faculty of arts who did not get a job at our Mc Donald's
All students who fail out Medicine will be placed directly into Density. We know it is an old joke but, We could not hold back.
The lonnie lot will be for Psychology Students only. - No Explanation needed.
Chancelor's House will be renoveated into Hammie's Whore house. As the slogan says Hammie's Whore house where people like to pork. It will us raise funds for the constuction we plan to do.
Alumni House will become the new home for U.M.S.U. It is more spacious than the other office.
The old UMSU office will become a Mafia run casino. - It explains it self.
